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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
A Snake Charmer This Ain't

Starring: Johnny Messner, Morris Chestnut, Eugene Byrd, Nicholas Hope, Peter Curtis
Director: Dwight Little
Screenwriters: Hans Bauer, John Claflin, Daniel Zelman, Jack Epps Jr., Jim Cash, Jack Epps, William Massa, Ed Neumeier, Michael Miner

Reviewed by Chris Ching

The most interesting thing about Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid is that it took nearly ten writers to come up with the script. I mean c'mon...nine?! For this garbage?! Good God! No matter how hard I try, I just can't mentally accept the fact. It's like I've found out vampires really exist, or Jessica Simpson is an intellectual genius... my whole belief system about the world and how it works is totally shattered.

"Nooooo!!! We don't wanna be in Anacondas 3!"

Nine?!

The first Anaconda was a classic B-movie super-powered by a "so over the top it's on the bottom" performance by John Voight. Sure it wasn't Shakespeare, but it was fun, freaky, and with a knowing wink, unabashed in its cinematic cheesiness.

Anacondas, on the other hand, disappoints on every possible level.

Normally in schlock like this you get atleast one winning star. Whereas the first movie had the inimitable Voight, Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz, Ice-Cube, and Owen Wilson, the sequel yields... Morris Chestnut. Whose Morris Chestnut you might ask? Exactly. It wouldn't be a problem if this cast of unknowns were decent actors, but with a couple of exceptions, they lack any real star power. The character of the monkey played by an actual monkey upstages these hacks from beginning to end.

Also, when you go to a movie called Anacondas - call me crazy - but don't you expect to see alot of frickin Anacondas? Not until the finale, do we get some full on Ana-action and even then the serpents are too busy doing the nasty to be munching on the cast. Anacondas has way too few cheap frights for a movie in this genre.

Back to the script, if you've seen the first Anaconda you pretty much have the general idea of the sequel. People go down river, they meet snakes, snakes eat most of them, end of story. The dialogue is monumentally wooden and the characters are stock stereotypes written to appease every possible demographic. So overtly multicultural is the cast, you wonder how it's possible an Arab or a retarded guy with a heart of gold didn't make the final cut. Oh yeah, again I ask you. Nine?!

So where does my one star emanate from? Well, I'm a huge fan of crapmasterpieces. You know em' - movies played serious that succeed in being unintentionally hilarious instead. Think Glitter or Showgirls. There are indeed moments where Anacondas seems it could be a contender in this department of watchable ill conceived movies, but for the most part it's really only one thing...just plain un-watchable.

Rating:

(1 out of 4 stars)

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