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2004 Golden Globe Awards
The Only Awards Show With An Open (Make That VERY Open) Bar
Memo to powerful Hollywood people who can pull this off. Please have Joan Rivers killed. Do whatever it takes to stop her and her idiot daughter from posing one more lame question to red carpet trodding stars. If death is not possible, cut out their tongues (be sure to cut off their hands so they can't write out their vile thoughts on paper). Okay, now on with the show!
The Golden Globes are a strange affair. They're voted upon by the Hollywood Foreign Press, but the qualifications to be a member of that organization are suspicious at best- seemingly all you have to do is mail in a postcard and you're in. Still the awards show brings out the stars who like the free drinks, and stars equals ratings. Over the years, the Globes have gained in prestige and have actually become an early forecaster for the main event, the Academy Award ceremony. Here are the highlights from this year's schmoozefest: • The announcer referring to Meryl Streep's next film as "The ManCUrian Candidate". May Fanboy flames engulf you sir!
• Ellen Burstyn wearing what appeared to be a very large orange peel.
• Clint Eastwood beginning to look eerily like Reverend "You're all gonna die in there!" Kane from Poltergeist 2. Creepy!
• Kevin Costner's 17 year old daughter Lily, who escorted winners off stage, looked older than Costner's new wife. • Things I never wanted to think about, #1: Meryl Streep's cooch. In her acceptance speech, "I just realized that you can see completely through my dress, so I am standing with [my legs] together."
• Strangest pairing of co-presenters: Ice Cube and Ashton Kutcher.
• Best Thing About Golden Globes #1: That Jack Black could be nominated for an actual, serious award.
• Best Thing About Golden Globes #2: No Oscar-style interpretive dance of nominated songs.
• Maria Bello being strangled by her own necklace.
• They should have taken Best Actor in a TV Comedy winner, Ricky Gervais's award away, as he apparently does not act on the show. While I love The Office, his acceptance speech proved him to be just as much a smarmy bastard in real life.
• Best Performance by a Conehead: Gwen Stefani
• Meryl Streep missing three times to grab her awarded Golden Globe. Three times! • Is anyone else continually surprised by how incredibly short Danny DeVito is?
• Frequency of Appearance of Breasts by Presenters and Winners: Too many to count. Among the most notable: Nicole Kidman attempting to cover her escaping breast with the envelope after presenting the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama to the (no show) Sean Penn; Mary Louise Parker thanking her newborn son for "making my boobs look so good in this dress" during her acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Mini-Series; and Queen Latifah's much smaller (and still fabulous) rack. • Either Peter Jackson won for Best Director of a Motion Picture Drama, or George Lucas has really let himself go.
• Was Al Pacino drunk, high, or both?
• While I am thrilled to see Charlize Theron win for her amazing performance in Monster, I am pissed to now have that freaking Journey song stuck in my head AGAIN. But, props to Charlize for thanking Steve Perry in her speech.
• Sharon Stone doesn't even make movies anymore. So how does she get in every year?
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