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King Me!
An Ultimate Fan Look at The Return of the King

by Mary Day

I came to this last installment of The Lord of the Rings with very high expectations. This film would have to bring a world war to an end, resolve a host of loose ends of the previous two movies and do it better than both of the previous films. I think they did a grand job of it, and It was the shortest 3 hour and 20 minute movie I’ve ever seen.

The opening sequence of Smeagol was interesting as we finally get to see Andy Serkis in live action. He has made Gollum sad, miserable, dorky and creepy all at once. After hearing him talk about how he psyched himself up to go splashing through the freezing stream for yet another take in the Two Towers (“Well, I’m not dead yet!”), I had hoped Andy would get a cameo somewhere in the film. Also, looking at a closeup of an earthworm is the last thing I’d have figured on to open the film.

Frodo and Sam had the hard job. Peter Jackson gave them the full agony, from tearful infighting with Gollum, to the hell of Shelob, to desperation and despair on the side of Mt. Doom. I could have done without the “Oops did Frodo fall over, too?” scene during Frodo’s fight with Gollum. After all, the real drama was Frodo’s inner battle to give up the ring...and failing.

Whole lotta whoopass going on with the battle for Minas Tirith. Absolutely biblical in scope. Dragons, Oliphants, re-animated dead soldiers, mother-ughly enemies, great helmets and horses for the good guys, and a Witch King to dispatch. What’s not to like??? I dug the chunks of BUILDING being dropped on the orcs. Of course, if someone just threw human heads at me, I’d kinda want some major payback. The lead orc looked like a half-baked, pissed off Pillsbury Doughboy on crack. He didn’t inspire the troops much either. Hard to follow a rancid biscuit into battle, man.

The battle scenes were smooth, and as I see it multiple times, I still don’t see any obvious troop or horse repetitions. Very good craftsmanship on the computer work. The only weird thing I found was the obviously phony dead horse on King Theoden. You mean he wouldn’t be a good sport and let a 1200-lb. horse lay on him? Sheesh!

Legolas’ assault on the Oliphant was very much smoother than his goofy launch onto the horse in the Two Towers. He has the greatest dismount since Nadia Comanici. Gotta dig being an elf.

The fighting Dead Army looked like a cross between The Pirates of the Caribbean and the swarms of scarab beetles from The Mummy. It was a bummer that Pirates of the Caribbean came out first. It took a lot of the shock value out of the dead guy effect. Was I the only one who thought, “Oh, s**t. They are gonna say ‘No,’” when Aragorn flashed the sword and demanded their allegiance? Definitely would have knocked some time off the movie.

Denethor deserved to fry, but I hope we’ll see more reason for his despair (another Palantir linked to Sauron) in the extended DVD next year. For a guy who had devoted his whole life to the city of Minus Tirith, his reason for ordering the soldiers away from their posts, and the way he blew hot and cold about Faramir was confusing, I thought. Denethor and Faramir were easily the most two-dimensional characters in this version.

Sorry about this to all you purists, but I completely enjoyed the enhanced roll Arwen played in this version of The Lord of the Rings. True, some of the Arwen scenes were wasted in Return of the King, like another argument with her father, but it was a nice take on the story that she was the force behind reforging the shards of Narsil. In the books she was a very distant figure, and there wasn’t a crumb of longing going on between what was supposed to be larger-than-life love. Whatever reasons Aragorn loved her he kept close. Then she suddenly shows up at the end of the story by ship. Excuse me, but where’s the heat??? In this version Aragorn longs for her, dreams of her and it shows. When finally he realizes she will be his at long last, the searing kiss he gives her lets us know their kids won’t arrive by parcel post.

The battle at the Black Gate was cool only because the hobbits were the first off the mark after Aragorn when he charged. I found it improbable that that many orcs would wait to surround the good guys in a nice clean circle. I also dug Aragorn’s hair. Combed for the first time in all three movies...and another thing, does this guy ever wear a helmet???

I’ve heard a lot of people bitch about the ending, that it seems to climax again and again because of the moments of dark screen. Yet each audience I shared the experience with needed time to absorb each departure. These were some big emotional hits, and they rolled over the audience again and again. I’ve cried every time so far.

Like everyone else who loves the books, I’ve waited my whole life to have someone take the material seriously and make a live-action movie. I feel really lucky I’ve lived long enough for technology to make the film possible. So my advice is...get yer butt out and see this movie as many times as you can on the big screen. It will be a crazy long time before you see it in this format again. Enjoy it.

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