 Survivor 7 WrapUp
by Chris Ching
At the beginning of Survivor Pearl Islands, a rumor arose that Sandra Diaz-Twine, an office assistant from Washington had snagged the Sole Survivor spot and the cool 1 million. The story didn't have much legs with many pointing out to past Survivor "leaks" started by the producers themselves to get watchers on the wrong track.
As only the first episode had aired, I certainly didn't take it seriously. Sandra hardly seemed like winning material as her big mouth would get her into trouble eventually. But there she remained each week.
Toward the end of Sunday's season finale, when it was down to just Sandra and Commited Mental Patient In Training Lil Morris, I realized the rumor was anything but. For as there was no way in hell Lil could win the approval of the jury, Sandra would indeed be voted the winner. And with only a sad troop of scouts in Loveland, Ohio hoping otherwise, she was.
Ah Lil, you may not have won the million but you definately won the title of Kookiest Survivor Ever previously held by Survivor Thailand's Jan Gentry who we all remember for her grief over a deceased bird fetus. Hats off to you Jan, you performed your duties well but there's a new Scoutmaster in town!
Had Lil taken Jon Dalton aka Johnny Fairplay aka Biggest Surviror Ass Ever, she would have no doubt emerged the winner. Even if he did pull a great con by getting everone to believe his grandmother had kicked the bucket, Jon amassed so much hatred from his fellow Survivors his chances were slim. Lil said her choice of Sandra was one from the heart, well honey that's about the one organ you shouldn't play with in this game.
Let's take a look at each of the Survivors in the order in which they were booted out of the game.
Nicole- We hardly knew ya, but c'mon! Don't openly try to make alliances within the first couple of days. Its the peak of the delusional "We Love Each Other, We're Not Playing Against Each Other" vibe, and Nicole foolishly didn't hold back.
Skinny Ryan- Poor guy. He professed to be the biggest Survivor Fan (or skinniest at least), but he spent his short time in the Pearl Islands ostracized from his tribemates because he possessed neither killer abs and/or killer boobs. His only friend was Lil. Sad.
Burton- Next to Rupert, he was probably the strongest physical player. Burton was the motivator behind Drake throwing a challenge which prompted a long losing streak for the tribe. Tried to rally against Rupert and got shot down. One of the two outcasts who won a second chance to be in the game. Still didn't win.
Michelle- Nice person. Not dull mind you. Just nice.
Trish- Archetypal middle aged woman castaway. She also attempted to bring Rupert's reign to an end. Like Burton, wasn't very good at it. Fated to be best known as "Who the Hell is that?" during the show's opening credits sequence.
Shawn- Meathead. Nothing more, and considerably less. Shawn had the strength to be a threat during the physical challenges, but this mentally challenged advertising sales executive lacked anything approximating mass above the shoulders.
Osten- What a puss! Osten made a poor representative for African American Males, Humans, and the Planet Earth in general through his incessant whining and poor performances in the challenges. First Survivor ever to quit the game.
Savage- A holier than thou Armani wearing d**k head aka the guy my wife thinks is really hot.
Ryno- Nice person. Not dull mind you. Just nice.
Rupert- Most beloved Survivor of all time. This grizzled teen mentor picked up on the season's pirate motif and ran with it. Rupert also displayed almost superhuman strength throughout the game making one wonder if he had previously been bitten by a radioactive Grizzly Bear.
Tijuana- Nice person. Not dull mind you. Just nice.
Christa- Although annoying to many of her fellow castaways due to her Big Bird like countenance and brain hammering speaking voice, she made it far into the game. Christa hit rock bottom after being blamed for sabotaging the tribe's food supply. She didn't have a clue "best friend" Sandra was actually behind it. Also, along with Sandra, she continued to trust inexplicably in Jon.
Darrah- Acted like a zombie through most of the show which is appropriate since she works as a mortician. Luckily her heavy Southern drawl and hot bod distinguished her from the Undead. Finally "did" something toward the end when she won three consecutive Immuntiy challenges.
Johnny Fairplay- It's ironic that this season would give us the most beloved Survivor ever along with the most hated. Jon pissed people off with his Johnny Fairplay act, his misogynistic statements, and serial backstabbing, but his telling of the Great Lie transformed him into the anti-Christ. Still, the guy was one of Survivor's best strategists and manipulators.
Lil - Third Survivor voted off but got a new lease on life when she was voted back into the game. Lil's Boy Scout uniform and "naivety" turned off everyone including viewers. Still, someone who can pull off the comeback Lil did should earn some measure of respect even if choosing Sandra for the final two was suicide.
Sandra- Well, look at it this way. She's a lot more worthy than last season's Jenna.
And so, another Survivor season has come and gone. Like a child with a new toy I have come to dub the latest "best season ever." A few months on I probably won't be able to name five of the castaways. By then, I will be totally immersed in the nirvana of Survivor Season 8. See you then.
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