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Troy

Starring: Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom, Brian Cox, Peter O'Toole, Diane Kruger, Rose Byrne, Saffron Burrows, Sean Bean, Brendan Gleeson

Director: Wolfgang Petersen

Reviewed by Chris Ching

"Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful."

On a recent Oprah appearance to promote Troy, Brad Pitt received four standing ovations in the first ten minutes and every sound from his mouth was met by the audience with the kind of expressions you'd think most people would save for their children being born. Brad's got a lot in common with his screen alter ego of Achilles, who inspires thousands of ancient Greek soldiers to raise their swords chanting his name and women clammoring to raise his sword period. So watching Troy, one is left wondering where Brad exactly ends and Achilles begins. Maybe they should have just called the movie Brad. Or Brad Butt. Along with his ass, there are so many fawning shots of the guy you half expect the camera to propose marriage.

Here's the Troy skinny for those who only know Homer as the cartoon who says "D'oh!" Helen of Sparta runs off with her lover Paris, a prince of Troy. Unfortunately this doesn't sit too well with her hubby King Menilaus who calls on his brother King Agamemnon and all the armies of Greece to help reclaim his stolen pootie tang. At the vanguard of the assault is Achilles who believes the impending epic battle will win him glory and fame for all time. The Trojans are led by Paris' equally heroic older brother Hector who has to take responsibility for his brother's attraction to Spart Tarts.

The siege of Minas Tirith...er, Troy.

As far as summer action movies go, Troy does quite well especially in the exciting battle sequences (even if director Peterson borrows liberally from The Return of the King and Saving Private Ryan).The detached objective camera work in these scenes create a sense of immediacy most clash of titans lack. Plus, there's a lot of incredible spear work that'll give you a completely new appreciation for the damage that weapon can do. And hey, who can complain about huge rolling balls of flame toppling upon helpless Greek soldiers?

"Jen must never know."

Brad Pitt does his usual job of throwing all he has into a role except acting wise he doesn't have much to toss except flowing blonde hair. His line delivery is more Californian surfer dude than Greek warrior. He also does one of his trademark mouth quivery whine things which brings comic relief and not the much hoped pathos. Still, you got to admire the guy for playing a hero who hardly subscribes to what is asked for these days at the multiplex. His Achilles is clearly self-deluded, and it would be nice to think that the Pittster is doing a little self-satire. Let's certainly hope so.

Eric Bana (Hector) who struck out last summer as the Hulk is the real star of Troy, and you'll be cheering for him a hell of a lot more than Achilles. Marathon actor Brian Cox's evil King Agamemnon is the kind of hammy role that you'll either love or hate- I opt for the former. With uber-foppishness, Orlando Bloom plays Paris the ancient world's biggest p***y. Perhaps Bloom was worried he'd get stereotyped as Mirkwood Forest's favorite courageous elf since Paris is proverbally running away with his tail between his legs (and no I don't mean Helen). In the end, Paris does pick up a bow for some clearly Legolasian moments. The romanticism and logic of one woman launching "a thousand ships" is sullied by Diane Kruger having absolutely no charisma as Helen. The reason why men go to war is a theme running throughout all of Troy, and thinking of so many losing their lives for her and Paris the P***y is pretty revolting.

Thank God over the course of history we have learned a lot, and when we go to war today we have damn good reasons.

"You are such a P***y!"

Rating:

(2 1/2 out of 4 stars)

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